I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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