the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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