i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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