You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
