i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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