I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
