Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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