I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
COCAINE IS GR8
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
