I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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