you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
