and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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