feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
