Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
