I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
