Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
