I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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