all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
