Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
