i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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