ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
It was confusing and full of hummus
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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