guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
