I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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