Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
