My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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