I wish my penis had an off switch
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
