it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
