your room smells of hookers.
And success
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
