Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
