my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
