My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
