So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
