do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
