I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
