Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
