Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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