I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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