I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
