My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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