Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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