I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
