A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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