I got chris browned last night
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
