I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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