Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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