my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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