First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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