yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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