Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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