everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
