I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I have fence marks all over my body
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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