Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
