party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
