You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
