I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
