I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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