I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
