just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
