Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize